BEING A SISTER: A GRADUATION STORY

Big Sis & Little Sis, originally uploaded by J.DoyonPhotography.

It was 1998. At 16, I was dancing between the identity of the drama nerd, school council activist and cheerleader. However, there was one identity that everyone knew about me--and it was my favorite one--I was a sister. I will always be a sister to two amazing ladies.

That spring afternoon, an eclectic collection of my six closest friends and I sat in tiny plastic chairs in a room that smelled of glue, play doh and little kid. Most of the friends with me that day weren't even really friends with each other; they were united by their love of me (I am very lucky) and a certain curly haired blond girl who peeked out from the hallway to get a glimpse of us.

We are 11 years apart, but were inseparable for most of my high school years. During the week, my sis went everywhere I went--dinner with friends, out for ice cream, to the park---you name it, she was there, her little hand in mine.

That day, we watched her graduate from kindergarten. My mom had to be out of town for work, and my dad didn't know if he could swing being there with his work schedule, so my friends came out in droves. As she adjusted her tassle on that tiny hat, no one had a bigger cheering squad than my sister.

It is a moment in my rites of passage that is just as distinct as my prom or when the envelope came in the mail saying I had gotten in to my first choice of college. As I pick her up to give her a congratulatory hug, I remember wanting to freeze the moment to encase her in a cocoon of blissful innocence. She didn't know yet what it would be like to fight with our parents and realize they are human, or have a boy break her heart, or face the crushing failure of disappointment when she makes a mistake. My heart was heavy as I realized she would have to go through all of those things, and the big sister in me couldn't protect her. All I could do was pick her up when she needed me.

It is now 2011 and I am a certified grown up, but with the heart of a teenage girl. In a few weeks, my family and I will sit side-by-side and watch the youngest one in our family walk across the auditorium of her high school and passage through another graduation; this time it's the big one. After she throws her hat in the air and comes over to give us all hugs, I will feel that same pride that I felt in that ABC decorated classroom so long ago. Also, I know that worries of everything we can't protect her from in this next phase of life will flash through my brain. While the world was spinning, our family's little girl grew up. Like always, I will remind myself that whenever she needs me, I will always be there to pick her up.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-COMPASSION

Let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster, originally uploaded by itselea.

We are raised to be told to be the best with unfailing self-esteem. And, we are--the trick is that we are the best at different things. Being the best at everything is utterly impossible. The fabric of human behavior that weaves success in society is we all have different strengths, and that means we also have different weaknesses.

We feel we have to be the best over all, which means that many of us often feel superior to others, whether that means we think that we are more compassionate, intelligent, talented or (fill in the blank) compared to everyone else... but that we also fall harder when we fail these unrealistic expectations. Kristin Neff's fascinating article in the Huffington Post, Why We Should Stop Chasing Self-Esteem and Start Developing Self-Compassion, details this phenomenon. We are pushed time and time again into the need to have super high self-esteem, but aren't told that, at some things where we don't and can't be the best, that can be a-ok too. The worst people at attacking these "short comings?" Not an outside person, but the self-critic that is in all of us.

As a teen, this can be particularly true. When was the last time you struggled on a test after studying for endless hours and felt like a failure for getting a well earned average grade? Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that everyone shouldn't strive to be the best person they possibly can be, I am saying that perhaps we should re-examine what "the best" should mean. Perhaps instead of the focus to achieve the pentacle of what people think confidence is--high self-esteem; we need to re-examine the way we look inside of ourselves. Self-respect, self-values, and self-awareness that comprise self-compassion could be the building blocks toward a better world of people who know how to care about themselves, and in turn, can care about others and the world around them.

Maybe, just maybe, if we explored this way of thinking, Neff's viewpoint could change our culture for the better. Perhaps if the biggest bully in school was taught self-compassion instead of focusing on just self-esteem, that bully wouldn't be such a bully after all. Maybe if we give ourselves the chance to be average at some things some times or permission to fail when we have tried, the criticism that swirls around our culture like air would dissolve into a world of self-compassion and then compassion in general. As Neff asks, "Why not try it?"

JAPAN: HOW YOU CAN HELP

The tragedies in Japan have startled the entire world. So, what can you do to help?

You know that change sitting on your dresser drawer? Or, the allowance you were thinking of spending at Starbucks with friends? How about the extra mullah from your afterschool job? Any donation, no matter the size, helps.

Some of the organizations we recommend giving through are The Red Cross, Salvation Army, Save the Children and Unicef. We also really dig Living Social, where you can pick specifically what type of donation you want to make for the cause. You can donate to help the children of Japan,
buy shelter boxes, get more emergency supplies, put your dollars into a general fund to help disaster relief and more.

So, count up that extra money (whatever you have means a lot), and talk to your parents about using their credit or debit card to make your donation with one of these trusted organizations on their website. If you don't wanna do it online, it is also easy to make a cash donation, just hit up your local Salvation Army or Red Cross locations.

Our thoughts and hearts go out to the Girls in the Hall in Japan, and everyone coping with this tragedy.